What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 00:01
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Would this be the day?
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(And it was in our own minds.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
How can I get a girlfriend? I am 26.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I waited trembling.
Do most men prefer curvy women or skinny women?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So whats the point in blame.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Isn't it a turn on to have sex with a girl in a skirt or in a tight spandex?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why do some men want to have anal sex with women?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why do women consider 80% of men as unattractive?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I will be 64.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What happens psychologically to a man the first time he gets penetrated anally?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My life is so biszare .
I have no regrets .
I was seconnd youngest,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Comes on , in middle age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She loved him until the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I think the readers, may guess!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But, we were locked up after school.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is soul school!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
Im still living with it.
But it wasn’t much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Especially a lifetime of it.
And i lived it daily.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When she asked me how she looked .
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Put me off passion for life!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Was to survive, this bastard.